i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
