I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
