Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
