put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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