Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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