he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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