my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
