Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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