Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
A+ Viking dick
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
