Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
