The maid of honor just puked.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
