I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
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