That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
