u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
