My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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