There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
