I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
