I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
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we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
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Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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