I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
