plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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