Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
