is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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