I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
