I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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