Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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