Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
