just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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