the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
