I think I died a long time ago.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You can't motorboat a personality
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
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Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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