i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
