I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
