Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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