I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
