peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
