I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
