Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
