last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
