Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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