Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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