someone threw a dead crab at me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
