During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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