I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
