Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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