Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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