What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
