How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
