How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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