i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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