Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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