Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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