Cold hands, warm shart.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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