I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
