the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
