I'm eating all of the evidence.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
