All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.