every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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