nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
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I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
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I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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