he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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