So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
