Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
