I met the friendliest cop last night
I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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