Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
